I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
