If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
