i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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