i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
