I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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