I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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