I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
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I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
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for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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