Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
