Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
