i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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