i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
