You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
