There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
