My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
