You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
