I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
