On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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