you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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