When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
