I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My ass is underappreciated
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
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