I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
