I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
