I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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