Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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