Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
