There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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