I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
your like the ambassador to my penis.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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