you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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