oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
