I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
