she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
