I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Oh god it's open bar.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
