Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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