where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
