I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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