Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
there's paper in my vomit.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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