Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
