My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
