I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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