EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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