Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
