Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
