I need to stop coming to work sober
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
