we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
