I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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