Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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