yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
