if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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