i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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