Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
