They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
