So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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