sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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