I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
