I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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