Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
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He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
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Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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