somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
